Who am I?
This is a question I have been asking of myself a lot lately. It seemed easy enough to answer, until I started really thinking about it and making myself dig deeper than usual. That’s when it got difficult.
You see, I have a thousand different interests. A head full of dreams. A heart full of hopes and desires. I have a house full of family. A week full of learning while trying to keep up with a house that’s full of seven people. I walk a thin line between crazy and desperately holding onto my sanity. I am a work in progress. However, if I break myself down honestly, this is what I look like.
I am a child of God. A sinner, saved by grace. I am not a denomination, a Baptist, a Methodist, a Protestant, a Lutheran. I am Gods and He has asked me to be His and His alone. Am I scared to be writing this? No. And yes. I’m not ashamed of my faith and my relationship with God. I have simply never brought it up here before. So why now? Because this fact about me, is me. It defines who I am and who I am becoming. Does this mean I am all of a sudden going to be up in your face about it? No, because honestly, that’s not me. However, I am not going to avoid it for fear of offending someone. Politically correct is not something I am.
I’m a daughter and a granddaughter who is learning that I am my own person, even when it means disagreeing with those who loved me first. I’m trying to learn from the mistakes made by others while gleaning the good that I desperately want to hold onto.
I am a wife head over heals in love with my best friend. In the midst of this crazy world that says to put self first, I am trying my darndest to love him more than me. To be the calm in the evening, the laughter in the stress, the ear when listening is needed. I am a wife trying to show unconditional love even when I am constantly surrounded with feminist rhetoric. A feminist is one thing I am not.
I am a mother to five beautifully dirty, brilliant, sensitive and caring ranch kids. I am their mom and all that entails. This means that I would walk through fire for them but will be the first to correct them when they have done wrong. I would do anything to help them, but I will not do it for them. I am their mother, not their friend. Even when I really want to be, I can’t. I would be doing them the gravest injustice if I chose to go down that road, and I won’t.
I am also their teacher. As a homeschool parent I have the grave and joyous responsibility of making sure they turn out smart enough to lead good lives. I am the person that lies awake at night worrying that I am going to mess them up, yet gets up the next morning and does it all over again because I believe in the reasons why we homeschool. I am the mom in the library with a book list that is pages long trying to find the perfect books to draw them willingly into this adventure called learning. I am also the mom who reads those books even when the kid’s aren’t present. You know, ‘quality control’. I am the homeschool parent that knew what I was getting into and did it willingly, but I also secretly wish at times for a day free of this responsibility.
Who am I?
I’m the wife of a rancher, yet I know next to nothing about cows. I love horses and can ride without falling off, but have very little actual knowledge. I’m a farm girl at heart who would willingly have a couple of everything in the farm animal department. However, you couldn’t call me a farmer as I have no real knowledge about the actual farming process.
I do many things around the house that some would label ‘green’ , but I am going to be the first to tell you that those things are not done for that reason. They are done because we like to save money by doing as much as we can ourselves. ‘Crunchy’ is not something I am.
I enjoy crafting but am not really good at any one craft.
I am the person with a drawer full of the craziest socks I can find because life is too short to wear white socks. I love color, even if I am the only one to ever see it.
I love to bake.
I am not a chef. I enjoy cooking, but only if I have time to plan it out and have the ingredients to work with. I have fed my family cinnamon rolls for dinner before. We have had cereal for dinner. We have had ice cream for dinner. I do not feel guilty about it.
I swear I’m a hermit by nature. If I couldn’t go to town for months at a time I don’t think it would bother me and yet at the same time I love to have company.
I need quiet every day, but I love to talk.
I’m a writer who hated English class, and a photographer who knows absolutely nothing technical about it. (I can tell you the name of my camera and that’s about it.) I also have trouble calling myself those two things, writer and photographer. I don’t feel qualified and yet at the same time I simply know that that’s what I am.
I’m an easy-going person, but if you make me angry my filter tends to slip and stuff gets said that normally stays under wraps. Like I mentioned, I’m a work in progress.
I am the person, who at the end of the day believes that a generous dose of sparkles, glitter and fairy dust solves all problems.
Where are I going with all of this? Really, nowhere.
Did I write this for attention? No. I simply felt the need to figure some things out about myself and the easiest way for me to do that is to write it down.
So why share it with you? I have come to the conclusion that most of us go through life without ever really showing people who we are under all the layers that we put on every day. There are some things we feel the need to hide to make our lives easier, or to make people more comfortable with us. Some layers we put on to make ourselves more comfortable. Some layers we don’t even know we wear because they have been there for so long.
In the process of trying to figure myself out a little better, I have come to realize that first, it’s no wonder Cowman can’t ever figure me out. And second, I’m tired of the layers. I’m tired of not embracing the things about me that make me different from others, or the things that make me in many ways, the same.
So I’m coming to you with the real me. And in the process I want to encourage you to do the same. Be you without fear. Embrace all the things about you that set you apart. All those little things are the things we love, they are the quirks that draw us to you. We don’t have to be identical to be friends or to have many things in common. I like you and even though it may not look like we have as much in common as you originally thought, I hope that you will still choose to stop by and visit.
Some of the posts that are going to be popping up on this blog are going to look different from past posts, while some will look the same. I have many different trains of thought running through my brain and I have been filled with a strong urging to share them. And since I love to talk and write, that is what I am going to do. I hope you stick around for the journey!
Love from here,